Stephan's space

I just got back home from a successful commercial shoot. I actually had a lot to do during this shoot because the boom operator, the person who is in charge of the sound, couldn't make it so I had to take his place. It was a little strange being there and having to manipulate a long, extendable rod with a microphone attached to the end because there really is no comfortable way to make it work for you. I did manage pretty well if I can say so myself and the two beginning sections of the commercial turned out great. The third section, however, was scrapped so we went straight to finishing the commercial with my part. I have to admit, doing this for the first time, I was nervous as hell and despite being all alone to cope with this, I persevered. It took me a few takes to get the lines down and I was a little tight at first but between takes I started making a few jokes and getting everyone to laugh. From that point on I loosened up and everything started to flow. It was an exhilarating experience and it made me want to pursue this so much more. I can do this. Once I tap into whatever allows me to show these qualities off camera, it's gonna be on. Pictures and video coming soon.

 

It's hard to tell where I am right now. Emotionally it's a day-to-day thing. The thing I hate about matters of the heart is that your emotional rollercoaster is dictated by the actions and reactions of other people. You really have no control over what you feel, because there is more than just your brain's perception at work. There are things involved that, I'm sure, not many people can explain. But although I have issues, I can't let them debilitate me. I have to keep going. I am close to so many things and I can't just drop them because my heart is in a crisis. I have to push myself to move forward and to achieve. I just want "Apple head" there. If you don't understand what I'm saying, it's okay, the right person knows what I'm writing. I'm fairly sure that I will have days that will challenge me and test my resolve but I remember saying that I would have those types of days at the beginning of this year so I should be prepared right? Yea, I "should" be. It's November though and I am actually going to get back to TRYING. I got off of that track for a bit but I will attempt  to maintain focus for the rest of this year. Maybe my Sunrise will come back..........

Hey world. I would like to send out a big "thank you" to the people who have been checking for my blog and reading the post, looking at the pictures, etc. I've been going through a really tough period in my life that will hopefully be resolved in the best way, eventually. Although I have been dealing with this seperation, I've been trying to use the blog to release a little and I've noticed that the visits have gone up. I now have an actual network of readers who visit the site, something I never really expected. I just try to let you guys see what is in between my ears and hopefully something(s) I say can resonate with you all. All I am going to be to you all is real and with that said, I'm heartbroken right now. I'm normally the type of person that doesn't talk about personal things because I feel that it's not something to put out there for the public but I honestly believe that I would be even worse if I didn't write to you guys. 2009 has been a really interesting year but I have to find myself again, I can't let this feeling consume me. I'm fighting hard but I always say that when you're alone with your thoughts, it can become a really scary place. That's the place I'm in right now. So keep on checking out the blog, SGTV will be back soon with a new cast of people and new situations but hopefully with the same ole' me. Peace. 

Now if it goes to the wire, I got the soul of a fighter/
Bruised up and sloppy or damaged like Ali/
Up late talkin to the fans on the website/
That's the only thing that sends your man off to bed right/
Fuck the world, fuck my moms and my girl/
Well maybe not moms/
Just let me remain calm/
This too won't last/
This too shall pass/
At least that's what I say, y'all/
That's what I pray for/
And I'm the only thing that's standing in my way y'all/
But I gotta be with me, there's no escape y'all/
I guess depression just crept in and took over shit like it's known to do/
Guess it said "Hey Steph, I'm goin' home witchu"/
"Turn your phone off, I need to be alone witchu"/
"I need to be in the zone witchu"/
"Cause I'm only thing you prone to NIGGA"/
"LOOK I OWN YOU NIGGA"/
"Been witchu since 10 but you startin to confuse me"/
"It's been so long, you still trynna lose me"/
Like "How could you show me such cruelty"/
"When everybody turns their back on you ,Steph, it's you and me"/
"Still you don't want me to see you right"/
"And why you always come get me, how'd we reunite?"/
"I know you feel for me deep in your heart"/
"Doctors, meetings, pills couldn't keep us apart"/
"But now you're getting strong and you want to get rid of me"/
"We're roomates, I'm in your head Steph, you live with me"/

Changes have to be made in my life. Tough decisions that I have avoided and chosen not to deal with. Friends that choose to act like women or more specifically, not like friends need to be dropped. Things like this make me ask the question "Do I even have friends?" because it's nuts how the whole thing breaks down sometimes. We all have our own lives, that's a given, and I can easily say that I don't keep in touch every week or anything, but when you recede into your bubble and cut off life-long people I have to say that there is something else going on with you. I know a lot of people around different areas but as every day passes, I start to realize how alone I am in this world. I go through everything by myself and as much as I can explain myself, noone will ever fully understand. I sometimes envy the support systems that other people have. Family members, legions of reliable friends and I don't really have that. Could it be that I just don't let anyone get that close? Maybe, but I think that me writing this is, in a way, me asking for help. I am my own constant source of positive energy but what happens when you're a negative person? What do you do then? And the people you rely on just don't come through for you...? I dunno. I wish there were something I could do to balance this feeling out because I feel it a lot. It's great to sometimes get that encouragement that makes you say "Hey, I'm not alone, people believe". I'm definetly wondering what the future holds for me, but right now I just think that my mind is messin' with me.